One year since you left; musings on life, loss and coming back to love.

Today marks the one year anniversary of my friend’s death by suicide.

I can’t explain how it shook me, it really did.

I wasn’t coaching him, or doing healing work with him, but I had been holding space for him. And when I got the news it broke me.

It broke me in a way that had me shy away from putting my work out into the world. And when I did push through that, I didn’t follow through. And when I tried to follow through I recoiled.

It took me a while to get through the shock.

Not the grief, grief is not something you just get through, but the shock.

The shock of him being gone in his physical form for the rest of my earthly life and the shock of another layer of certainty, that the people we hold dear aren’t guaranteed to be here tomorrow, never mind for the long run.

And when I sat in session with one of my spiritual mentors, and he told me that any guilt I felt, and any thought that I could have made things different I leave here today, I let myself release a responsibility that could never have been mine in the first place.

It is what it is, even if I didn’t want it to be that way. Even if it hurts deeply.

You see my friend had joked about coming to me for sessions. He signed up to my mailing list, championed my work.

And even though we had many long conversations about all the things, I knew I was not the person to work with him.

Not because I didn’t want to help him, because trust me I did.

Not because I didn’t think the tools could work for him, I believe in their power sincerely.

But because he was so attached to his story, his wounds so deep he had come to define himself by them and the perspective he’d chosen as his truth so paralysing that I knew I wouldn’t be able to get through.

And that is not a judgement.

Not even a little.

If I could have convinced him that he was worthy of the effort it would take to heal, I would have. If I could have convinced him that he was hurt not broken, I would have.

I tried.

I saw it in him, but he couldn’t.

We cannot save anyone.

I cannot help anyone who doesn’t want to do the work. And it’s big and it deep and it’s brave work.

It is life changing and no doubt life saving.

It saved me.

And whether you are feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed by the life you are living it could save you too.

Save you from living a life where you don’t claim what you truely desire.

Save you from a life where you settle for someone else’s idea of what’s meant for you. Save you from compromising so much that you lose yourself in the process.

Save you from despair when everything falls apart and you have to start again from rock bottom.

But you have to be willing to do the work.

Faith, Belief, Patience - the three pillars of the Universal Truths I studied with my teacher Magdi.

Last night I sat in ceremony with Jodie Gien as she lead us through a despacho (gratitude) and fire ceremony celebrating the equinox.

Surrounded by open hearted women I let go of the anger I had been carrying towards my friend and apologised to him for not having had the space to understand, for not wanting to understand why he chose to leave.

And I released the weight I’ve been carrying, the armour I’ve been wearing this last year. The part of me still shying away from shining my light because loving in the face of life’s deepest challenges is heartbreaking at times, but the kind of heart break that cracks you open only to bring you closer to love.

Unconditional love.

And as we danced in the rain by the fire I called in the courage to step more confidently into my work in the world. I committed to love myself and look after myself as wholeheartedly as I look after my most meaningful people.

Because I am worth the effort.

Because I am my body mind and soul and all parts of me need to be nurtured.

As the fire devoured our offering I looked up into the heavens where the clouds had parted revealing just a few stars and I laughed through my tears.

I laughed because now that I can let the walls down and the love back in, the connection to my friend can truely be felt again.

And I will use my voice to sing like he always hassled me to do and I will do my work in the world because he could see in me things I needed to be seen and that was a gift and it’s mine to keep.

We don’t always know how we impact people.

And helping them isn’t about getting the result we want.

We can only love people and accept them as they are.

And my friend new that I loved him, knew I had time for him, even at his most raw and darkest.

This is a comfort I choose to rest in today, heavy hearted but okay.

*If you are having suicidal thoughts reach out to Lifeline or Beyond Blue or a trusted friend. Connection is key to feeling safe in our bodies and you aren't meant to do this alone.

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